Saturday, January 28, 2006

Cash is King

we just returned from seeing "walk the line"
omg, it's my new favorite movie
i'm high on love,
all about johnny and june,
and i need
the soundtrack.
i loved it
cried a bit
wanted to cry more...
sob even.

i expected it to be good but
it was way better than i even
what energy there must be
when two people who are driven by
are able to perform together and
love each other well.

how amazing is it that those two
sang it themselves???
i hope he wins the oscar
and her too if she is nominated, which
of course she
should be.


Friday, January 27, 2006

Amazing Weight Loss Plan

It's the new year and many are looking for that quick guaranteed method for dropping a few pounds. Well, I discovered it. Not only is it quick---3 days---it is almost sure to bring results**.
**for those over 40 results may be measured in ounces not pounds.

First, do not, repeat DO NOT get a flu shot. Doing so will greatly reduce the effectiveness of implementing this weight loss strategy.

Next, hang around anyone you know who has the flu, has just recovered from the flu, or has a family member with the flu. Attempt close bodily contact with them, preferably on the mouth or nose, and do not wash your hands afterwards.

When symptoms first appear ("my tummy doesn't feel so good...maybe cherry pie for dinner wasn't such a good idea....") you will have a solid 30 minutes before they take full effect. If you are not already at home or close to a private bathroom, make your way there immediately. Oh, and this will be the last solid entity you will experience in any 30 minute period for the following 72 hours.

At the end of 3 days (give or take 10 days depending on the virulence of your WeightLossVirus) feel free to ease back into a food regimen, but avoid rich, heavy fare as your recently inside-out gastro intestinal tract may still be sensitive (I especially do not recommend buttered popcorn).

As mentioned previously, actual results may vary. Particularly for those over 40, who could gain weight as the body will register the food passing through the mouth twice (going down and up) and count the calories accordingly. For the rest of you, enjoy those newly-looser jeans, and not to worry, the dizziness and lack of stamina should subside in a week or two.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Serial Killer Sympathy

It was a very PMS Christmas. No one was dismembered or visibly maimed, and at least half of you know what a miraculous feat that is, having yourselves survived PMS each and every month. Combine Christmas week with PMS week, and DANG! I should be getting more attention for exhibiting such restraint. Forget the crying Mary statues, and Velveeta Mary sandwiches, and the Mary-appeared-in-the-bird-dung-on-my-windshield pilgrimages, those hordes of faithful Catholics should be lining up outside my door waiting to glimpse the miracle I am for not having killed anyone...again.Some of you have no idea what it is like to live through PMS. And no, living BESIDE someone who has it doesn't count. Sorry fella. But until you have experienced the alien who takes over your body, puffs it up, demands candy and french fries on a moments notice, ignites a bonfire of rage in your chest because some inconsiderate slime had the audacity to TURN THE RADIO ON (or INHALE, or BLINK, or SIT IN THE WRONG CHAIR), plants light-activated atomic missiles in your pupils, and replaces your tongue with a carbon steel razor, do not tell us you have "lived with" PMS. Oh no.When you have repeatedly, month after month after month after year, resisted the urge, demand, imperative need to annihilate all those who may breathe in your presence, and not only resisted but were actually able to retain a semblance of normalcy, all the while swallowing the blood caused by the razor sharp tongue being held in your mouth, and tamping down, with perhaps minor (minor= no one died) escapeages of the roiling molten anger and need for revenge on the world, then and only then will you understand.And that's why I have serial killer sympathy. Every month I come THIS CLOSE to being one of them.

Sunday, January 01, 2006


Ahh, a new year. And I already know what my first resolution for 2006 will be: skip the New Year’s Eve parties. I need to embrace the fact that I am not a loud rockin’ party gal. I think it’s my desire to actually hear what the person next to me is saying, instead of just smiling, nodding, and trying to time my laughter to the right moment when the person 8 inches from me, but whom I can not hear, has made an amusing remark. This aversion to loud mobs of people I do not know, and will not be able to get to know since I can’t hear a thing they say, could be blamed on middle age, except that I have never liked such environments, even when I was “supposed” to as a teenager. No wonder I smoked so much pot back then.

Speaking of smoking, last night I tried to smoke a cigar…listened to the instructions from a cigar-lover: draw it in toward the back of your throat, “taste” the complexities, do not inhale---but alas, the pleasure escaped me. Was I not doing it right? Or do I simply not appreciate the taste of fine Caribbean tobacco? My cigar expert tried to compare enjoying a fine cigar to appreciating the complexities of fine wine, but the complexity of a wine was never what I appreciated about it---the alcohol was, and if it was sweet, even better. Cigar mouth, which I later experienced, is not something I wish to repeat. Which translates into resolution number two: do not take up cigar smoking. This will likely please both my dentist and my husband.

Should I disobey myself and go to another hip New Year’s Eve party, my third resolution will kick in: do not spend X* (*a ridiculous number) amount of time obsessing over an outfit and getting ready. 97% of the people there will have thrown on a pair of jeans and T-shirt, and you will then look even more like their mother than you already do. Not that I’d rather be in the party set that wears elastic-waist pants, themed sweaters, or matching nascar jackets, so please keep those rockin’ invites coming!! Cuz even though I may not show up, I sure love being included.

And a fourth resolution…or is it just re-upping a prior resolution? I’ve been mind-altering-substance free for a while now, and think 2006 is a good year to remain so. It’s working for me, even though as an introvert it makes rockin’ dance parties a bit of a challenge—none of that loosening that comes with getting liquored up. So though I may not be the wild and fun one at the party, I can safely drive home (need a ride?). And I’d love to catch up and actually hear what’s going on with you, so let’s go for a cappucino in a nice quiet cafĂ©, shall we?