Friday, December 16, 2005

My Manuscript

Recently I had a friend encourage me to write a book. So I did. The manuscript follows:


"Once upon a time there was a middle-aged woman whose emotional maturity, and sometimes her wardrobe but certainly not her face, were stuck in 9th grade. She schlepped (and slept) around her house searching for the inspiration which would finally show her what she wanted to be when she grew up. Inspiration proved fleeting and once again she resorted to rearranging the furniture (some claimed she lived on Titanic Avenue) and watching "Judge Judy" on one of the 4 TV sets in her home. Such televisions were strategically placed so that she did not have to walk more than 7 steps from anywhere in the home (7 being God's number of completion as indisputably evidenced throughout the Holy Scriptures, and therefore guaranteeing His Divine Blessing when applied to one's life) before having a clear line of sight to a screen, as, according to her very own lips, "you never know what fascinating pearls of wisdom are going to emanate from Judge Judy (or Dr. Phil), and I don't want to miss a single one!" For this very reason she has been known to have 3 or more of the TV's on at the same time: same Bat time, same Bat station---"Holy Tuna, Batman, that lady's gone w**nkers! Let's jump lithely into the Batmobile and z**m over there to rescue her from herself!!"

Unfortunately for Miss-Middle-Aged, Batman and Robin were distracted by an ACTUAL emergency(something about a poor widow or hungry orphan?) on their way to rescue her from herself , and so there she remains to this day, shopping for fabric online and watching Judge Judy ferret out the truth, with an occasional foray into the world to see what treasures (junk) she can find at Thrift Town---because her closets and garage are just not quite jammed full enough yet. As she says to all the neighborhood children, "Stuff is the stuff of life...particularly in groups of seven."

The End


It's gonna be a big seller, I can tell...I see it as a children's book, billed as a "cautionary tale for our times." It will be slickly packaged and hip-ly designed (by Sharp Seven), heavily marketed to evangelical Christian parents, and the book will come in a set with non-action figures: a couch, 4 TV's, and a lumpy wrinkled lethargic 40-something woman wearing Doc Marten's. Sales will be ginormous, profits even ginormous-er! Pre-order yours today!!---tell your Pastor, your Youth Pastor, your Children's Pastor, your Worship Pastor, your Administrative Pastor, your Small Group Pastor, your Potluck Pastor, your Coffee Pastor, your Janitorial Pastor-----tell them all, every one, especially if you can do it in groups of seven!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

"Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?"

That is how Buddy answers the phone, and it is one of my favorite lines in the movie Elf with Will Ferrell. Craig, Jordan and I just finished watching it. It now fits in the catagory of "classic" christmas movies that I can watch every year--along with Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase. I don't usually respond to slapstick-ish comedy, but those two actors crack me up. Isn't laughing grand? I need more of it in my life--the kind where you laugh until your eyes flood and the dog gets nervous. Speaking of which, we get to go see Billy Crystal's one man show next week!!! My neighbors went this week and said it is like 3 hours of belly laughs--yippee! Those same sweet neighbors, who live directly next door to me, drove all the way into San Francisco today to come to my sale (see below), and be supportive! They have taught me so much about how to love my neighbor, just by watching them love theirs.

Today I participated in a Holiday Trunk* Show in SF. Of course I was nervous since that is always the case when I'm putting myself "out there." But it was fine, my mental goal was to sell 2 medium-priced bags, and my goal was another couple months of web hosting/credit card processing fees go in to the bank. Good thing I'm not actually having to support myself with this biz cause I would so be homeless and skinny.
*why these things are called "trunk" shows, I don't know...when they started were people taking their wares out of a trunk?...or perhaps they were started by elephants.

Speaking of supportive, my RFL came to the trunk show with me to help me unload/load, and so I wouldn't have to go alone. He's an awesome guy. I hope to never have to do with out him.

Holy Mackeral, Batman, only 2 weeks until Christmas!!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Meet the Parents

Last night we had the much-anticipated meeting of Jeremy. He seems like a really nice young man, and cute as can be. Oh, right, you don't know Jeremy either!--silly me. He is the 24 year old, this close to being divorced, Air Force veteran who shares a mutual attraction with my daughter. My 18 year old, just fresh from high school, lives under my roof, mess with her and I'll kill you, no really I mean it, daughter. No, really. Because I may not be able to whip up a gourmet feast for fifty of my most intimate friends like Martha (and her staff of hundreds), but I'm bettin' I can do time better than her, and a lot more of it. Which I spelled out to Jeremy...nice to meet you, I don't mind going to jail, would you like some more corn?

Monday, November 21, 2005

Martha I'm Not

Thanksgiving week and I'm starting to get nervous. It's that holiday centered all around cooking. Probably supposed to be centered around being thankful, but how can one be thankful when one has to do all that cooking?? As Thursday draws closer, I'm realizing why we usually make that 800 mile trip over the hills and through the woods to Grandmother's house (she loves to cook, I don't).

The ridiculousness of what I've planned for the meal Thursday struck me today as I was describing it to a friend. I've ordered a free-range organic turkey, and am adding to that store-bought mashed potatoes, store-bought gravy, store-bought cranberry sauce, store-bought rolls, canned corn, salad mix, and store-bought pie. Good thing there aren't any chemicals or preservatives in that turkey!

I'm so very thankful for Costco.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

"I Heart Starbucks"

It's true, I do. As un-hip as it is to do, let alone admit, my heart does a little pitter-patter at the sight of that green and white logo. I can think of 3 reasons for this affection: that little mermaid and I were born in the same city, I love coffee, and when given a choice I will likely default to the comfortable rather than the adventurous---this is also extremely un-hip to admit, but truthfulness trumps hipness, so I win. So on our recent travels, the sight of a Starbucks brought me great joy---like a little reminder of home, not to mention a decent cup of coffee.

There is, however, the sight of a Starbucks which, though I have not actually laid eyes on it myself, I suspect I would not be so happy to see. My daughter has seen it and reports it is inside a nearby suburban wanna-be-a-mega church. A church which, rumor** has it, recently spent a million-ish dollars on a new sound system because Jesus would demand excellence.
**i have absolutely no proof of this, and fully admit it is rumor, and might be completely evil for repeating it

So my question is this: Why, oh why???, is Starbucks sullying its reputation in such a way????

Friday, November 11, 2005

"I Can't Live Without...."
Recently I read an article about an artist who likes to make lists of things she can't live without. On her list at the time were hot water, heat and epidurals. This made me smile...a gal I can relate to. Unlike my friend "M" who squeezed out a 7+ pound person recently with the aid of two popsicles and a hot shower. How can this be?? When I was squeezing out my first live person, I distinctly remember deciding I could spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair if need be, just shoot that pain med into my spine NOW, damnit...if the anesthesiologist's aim is bad, and my spinal chord gets severed, well at least I'll be alive, in contrast to having much more of this labor pain (at all of 4 cm) which will surely kill me. My question is why, WHY?, do I think that "M" did it better than me, cuz all she needed was an ice cream truck to drive by a couple times?? Why must I always compare myself, and come up short? I'm afraid i do the reverse as well, which is really ugly. Either way, I lose. OMG, that's the point, isn't it??? When we compare, WE LOSE. So simple, so obvious, so hard---evidently I'm a lame-o (though not in a wheelchair---thanks for the steady hand, Doc) for not being able to "get this" and get over it, sooner, unlike the rest of you who probably got it centuries ago, right? I thought so.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I just dove in. Have been thinking for a long time about joining the blog nation, finally did it...well, am doing it. Not much to look at so far but at least I'm getting wet. I've been waiting until I found just the perfect name for my blog, something clever to encapsulate the essence of who I am, and who I want to be. So the last several months have been devoted to that search, with phrases jotted on scraps of paper throughout the house....Did you notice the title I settled on? Yeah, that's exactly how clever I am. The sad--ironic?--thing is that it does indeed capture the essence of who I am, and want to be...haven't figured that out either.

I considered the title "Self Portrait" since, let's face it, this will be all about me, but then had doubts.......asked myself "isn't that a bit, you know, self-centered sounding?" Wouldn't want to look conceited now, would we?

Turns out this search for a perfect title runs in my family (along with other less endearing traits, but we'll save that for another day...or not). My quirky Grandma, shall we call her "Joyce"?, has for years been threatening to write a book. 200 possible titles are on record, but chapter one remains to be written. So see?--I'm breaking the chains of writer's indecision, and moving ahead though undecided.

Speaking of random, two election day results on the yahoo web page yesterday went something like this:
"San Francisco votes to ban all handguns"
"Texas votes to ban gay marriage"
How 'bout if we all just agree to ban torture?? Could we at least agree on that? Cuz really, who would Jesus torture?---gay people? gun owners? Iraqi's? politicians?

"Oh" you are saying, "this is going to be one of those raving political god-blogs, isn't it??"
Well, yes...and NO....Raving, perhaps, but really just mostly what I'm thinking about. And sometimes I'm thinking about politics, and sometimes I'm thinking about god-stuff, but mostly i'm just thinking about me...which could actually be the problem, come to think of it.